John Mulaney — I Am Very Small and I Have No Money

Your opinion doesn't matter in elementary school either
It matters in college
College is just your opinion
Just you raising your hand and being like
I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian
And they're like, partial credit
And that's like the whole thing
But in elementary school it doesn't matter what you think
It just matters what you know
You have to have answers to questions
And if you say, I don't know
You get an X on your test and you get it wrong
And that's not fair
'Cause your brain has never been smaller
Also because that's not how life works
Like, I'm in my thirties now
If you came to me now and you were like
Hey John, name three things that the Stamp Act of 1775 accomplished
I'd go, I don't know, get out of my apartment, you know?
But when you're a little kid, you can't say, I don't know
You should be able to
That should be an acceptable answer on a test
You should be able to write in, I don't know
I know you told me, but I have had a very long day
I am very small and I have no money
So, you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under
Or, if it's one of those true or false questions
You should be able to add a third option
Which is, who's to say?